


if you can erase it, then i can atone

by bytheinco_nstantmoon



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Bobby Wilson Protection Program, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Or Is It?, Platonic Cuddling, Unresolved Trauma, friends cuddling each other thru their trippy mental health issues, he has one of those, i say as i actively hurt him, is it 2020 or is it 1995? literally who knows, it's cool tho, it's me im the entire program, let alex say fuck 2k20, literally i was just laying in bed and i was like OK BUT WHAT IF and then i wrote this, not bobby thats for sure!!, ok im done yelling vaguely in the tags now, on bobby's part, so. its ur problem now, u know. my standard stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:54:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bytheinco_nstantmoon/pseuds/bytheinco_nstantmoon
Summary: "I'm crying," he said, more plainly than he'd thought it would come out.Alex reached up slowly, wiping at Bobby's cheeks for him. Gentle. So gentle. It almost felt real. "Yeah, you are," he said softly. His face had gone completely white. "You wanna talk about that?"Bobby shook his head. "I wanna wake up."--or; Bobby wakes up on the floor in 1995.
Relationships: Alex & Bobby | Trevor Wilson & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Bobby | Trevor Wilson/Unresolved Issues
Comments: 40
Kudos: 246





	if you can erase it, then i can atone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunsetjulie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetjulie/gifts).



> i!! don't!! know!! what!! im!! doing!! i just love bobby so *vague gesture* time to hurt him immensely
> 
> the target audience is literally just me and sofi that's IT but if u enjoy it........... vibes, man

Alex always said he hated being held. Physical contact wasn't his forte. He'd whine about it all the time, if Reggie linked their elbows together or Luke slung an arm around his shoulders or on the rare occasion that Bobby leaned over onto him. He'd tell them they were clingy. And he'd cling onto them as tightly as he could the whole time, because Alex loved nothing more than being held. It was something about being cared for, about feeling his heartbeat in time with someone else, about knowing unequivocally, at least for one moment, that he was the center of someone's world.

Or at least, Bobby assumed it was something about that. Maybe he was overprojecting, just a little.

He thought about that a lot. Alex whining. He thought about it a lot because he thought about Alex a lot. He thought about all of them a lot. He thought about everything a lot. Thought, and didn't do; he always felt a little like he was moving in slow motion, a little like he was stuck in a never-ending robotic loop, a little like he was just biding time until he saw his friends again. It was always half a shock to look around at his life and realise how much he'd done, how much he'd accomplished, because none of it felt like he was accomplishing anything at all. He felt kind of ridiculous, but wasn't he allowed to be? He lost the only people he'd ever really  _ needed _ in the most ridiculous, unthinkable way, and now he was just left stranded all these years later, standing in a sea of accomplishments that he would never really earn.

It was kind of pathetic.

But yeah, he thought about them a lot. He dreamed about them, too. All the time. Usually just memories, little snippets of their time together that lingered just long enough for him to get comfortable and then yanked him awake into the very much moved on world. He had gotten good at getting up and pretending he was someone else. The new name helped- he liked to repeat it in the mirror to himself sometimes, staring at his own face. Maybe if he could stop thinking of himself as Bobby, he'd be fine. He'd be Trevor, and Bobby could just lay to rest.

It wasn't like he was sad  _ all  _ the time. It was just that he sort of wished Bobby had died with his friends. He just sort of wished he were someone else. Someone who didn't dream.

He opened his eyes and he was dreaming. Or at least, he thought he was. He blinked, staring across the room. Luke was sprawled out on the couch with his leg tossed up over the side- weirdly flexible, although his ribcage was twisting in a slightly disturbing way- and his arm thrown out, pulling Reggie into his side. Reggie's head was nestled into Luke's shoulder, holding on loosely to Alex, halfway in their laps. Alex always did like to be in the middle. Bobby blinked again, slowly. He just wanted to take them in. Just relish in this locked away memory.

Luke wrangled his chin on top of Alex's head, ignoring his whining. "Gotcha!"

"Let me go," Alex muttered, and then leaned further into his shoulder. "You're annoying."

Reggie watched them, snickering quietly. "Careful, Pinocchio. Don't let your nose grow too much."

"God knows it can't get much bigger."

“Hey, what the  _ fuck _ did you say about my-"

"Shh!" Reggie shushed them. "You're gonna wake Bobby." Alex scowled, shrinking down on their laps. Luke tucked his chin on top of his head again and smiled, satisfied.

Bobby blinked again, unconsciously smiling too. If he just relaxed into it, forgot it was a dream, it was all so warm. Nothing he'd ever accomplished felt as good as laying on the floor, watching his friends be idiots on the couch. Well, idiots anywhere, they were always idiots, but there was something special about the laziness of this moment. This spot right here was home.

Luke checked his watch and sighed. "We have to wake him up soon anyway. We gotta start rehearsing. Big day or whatever."

"Big day or whatever," Alex mocked. "Shut up, you're excited."

"It's that obvious?"

"Everything you do is obvious, Luke."

"Painfully," Bobby added. His voice was hoarse from his nap, and they all jolted at the noise. He smiled a little wider, a ridiculous fondness curling through him at their confusion. "I'm awake," he added belatedly. He didn't move yet, though. "Can I-" he cut himself off. Stupid question. Don't be weird, Bobby, even if they're just memories.

Alex gave him a puzzled look. "Can you what?" Bobby pulled a face. "Come on, what's it?"

Bobby rolled his eyes back in his head. "Was just gonna ask if I could come lay up there," he muttered. Half of him hoped they didn't hear- it was almost shameful, asking for closeness like that. They always had it so easily with each other, but Bobby was… he was disjointed. By design, or something. Something inside him got fucked up, he assumed, something near his heart, because he had never been good at being cared for. Even with his friends. Maybe that was why he'd always been the one on the fringes.

But Alex just blinked and said, "Of course you can. You don't have to ask," and maybe something in Bobby's chest got a little bit healed at that.

"Don't we have to be somewhere?" he asked. Alex rolled his eyes.

"Rehearsal can wait. Tonight will be great," he said, fully confident. "Come on. If I have to suffer these clingy bastards, so do you."

"You climbed on top of me?"

"Shut  _ up,  _ Luke."

Bobby crawled up on Reggie's other side, curling against his shoulder. Reggie immediately unhooked an arm from around Alex and used it to tug Bobby closer. He took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. One arm lazily hooked around Alex's waist, and he earned a snarky, "Oh, so  _ you're  _ a clingy bastard too." Alex's legs immediately slung up across his lap, though, so he couldn't feel offended.

Luke pouted. "Wait, this isn't fair. Bobby never cuddles us, and I'm left out. I don't wanna be left out."

"We're not cuddling."

"No, we're definitely cuddling," Alex said, sounding existentially exhausted. "And jeez, Luke, I don't know. Maybe it's just because you're so annoying." Luke poked him. "Ow!"

"That didn't hurt!"

"It did too! Ow!"

Reggie groaned, hiding in Bobby's shoulder. "Oh my  _ God, _ you guys. We're playing at the Orpheum tonight, can you at least  _ pretend _ to be mature?"

_ We're playing at the Orpheum tonight- _

"I hate my brain," Bobby said calmly. He could feel himself shaking. Playing at the Orpheum. Wow. So his dream really wanted to hammer in the worst day of his life? Really? "I hate my brain, and I want to die." He wanted to wake up now. He wanted to wake up now. He didn't want to look at their faces anymore.

"Huh?" Reggie's head pulled back up from his shoulder. His brow was pinched in concern. "You good? Well, no, obviously, but what's wrong?" Bobby went to pull out of the tangle, but Reggie just tightened his grip. "Hey, no, what's going on?" Alex and Luke were both staring at him with blatant confusion. Bobby wanted to laugh.

So he did. Because it was  _ his  _ dream and it didn't matter what he did.

Except then they all just looked more concerned, and Alex crawled off their laps to settle on his other side, tossing an arm over his shoulders. Bobby laughed again, but it was slightly hysterical. Why wasn't he waking up? He always woke up once he remembered their death. He always woke up. Why wasn't he waking up? He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a shudder run through his whole body. He wanted to wake up now. "I want to wake up." Maybe saying it would help. "I want this to be over now."

He could feel the look they exchanged behind his head. Someone's hand grasped his. "You  _ are  _ awake, Bobby," Luke said cautiously. "What, uh- what do you want to be over?"

Bobby choked on his next laugh, feeling a sob clawing at his throat. "I need to wake up," he insisted. "I need to wake up now. I can't- I can't do this, I can't. I don't- I can't do it, I need to wake up, I can't see you anymore."

"Open your eyes?"

"That's not what he means, moron! He means he doesn't-" Reggie's voice caught, slowing down, like the words were hard to say. "He doesn't- want to. See us anymore." Bobby fell into his shoulder, still shaking with a combination of laughter and rising tears.

The hand in his loosened. "Oh." He swallowed down another sob. He wasn't going to cry in his own stupid dream. "What's, uh- what's that mean? Bobby, what's that mean?"

He pried his eyes open, still smiling in what he's sure is a deranged kind of way. "Get out," he whispered. Alex stiffened sharply next to him. "Get out of my  _ head.  _ Just- just let me wake up. Let me get out of here. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to think about you an-" his voice broke. He could feel Reggie's breath harsh on his ear. "Just wanna wake up now," he whispered, his throat too tight for anything louder. "Don't want you to leave me again."

There was a brief pause. Someone was crying. Who was- oh, right, him. He was crying. That made sense.

"I'm crying," he said, more plainly than he'd thought it would come out.

Alex reached up slowly, wiping at Bobby's cheeks for him. Gentle. So gentle. It almost felt real. "Yeah, you are," he said softly. His face had gone completely white. "You wanna talk about that?"

Bobby shook his head. "I wanna wake up."

"You said that." Luke sounded close to crying. "You  _ are  _ awake. We're not leaving you. Why would we leave you?"

"We'll never leave you," Reggie promised, holding onto him tighter.

Bobby laughed again, but it was empty. "I know. That's what I'm afraid of." He let out a long, shaky breath. "I'm just gonna dream for the rest of my life. And nothing will ever change. And I'll never move on. Never, ever, ever. And I'll just miss you so, so much." He sighed. Tightened his grip on Luke's hand. Looked an arm around Alex. Leaned his head more securely on Reggie's shoulder and closed his eyes again. "I just miss you so much."

Alex's free hand tangled almost desperately into Bobby's shirt, like he wasn't sure what to do with it. "But we're right here. We're right here. We're not leaving you, Bobby." He sounded so earnest. It made Bobby's heart break just a little more, because he missed Alex so goddamn much.

"2001," he said.

"Sorry?" Reggie's arms tightened around him. Luke's hand stiffened, gripping his almost painfully.

"2001," Bobby repeated. "That was the worst year. Rose-" he laughed wetly. "Rose got so mad at me. I wouldn't… wouldn't get out of bed. She said I was making everything worse. I said things couldn't get worse if I tried." He didn't dare open his eyes. He didn't want to see the looks on their faces. "I think that's when she got fed up with me. Do you think that's when she got fed up with me? You're in my head, right? You should know this stuff."

There was a long, stifling silence. Luke broke it. That made sense. Luke hated silences.

"Bobby," he started, and then paused. Another minute ticked by. "Bobby, you're not making any sense." His voice was shaking. "What do you-" he took a deep breath, his grip squeezing. "What do you mean?" Bobby hummed, readjusting himself so that he was more securely pressed into Alex's chest. It was comfortable there. Luke made an annoyed noise, tugging at his hand. Reggie hissed something at him. Something about "fragile." That was fair enough. Bobby felt fragile.

Alex shifted them so that Bobby's back was against his chest. One hand came up to run through his hair. "Hey, Bobby," he said slowly. Bobby made a noise of acknowledgment. "What, uh- what year is it?" He sounded strangled.

Bobby cracked open one eye. "2020." He paused. "No, wait. In the dream? 1995. I remember  _ that. _ It's just the rest of this that's weird. I usually wake up after you talk to me."

Reggie made a weird high pitched noise. "Bobby," he said, sort of urgently. "Bobby, you're not dreaming. This isn't- I don't know what's going on with you, but you gotta snap out of it, okay?" His voice was too strained to be casual. Bobby rolled his eyes.

"Please snap out of it," Alex added quietly. "You're scaring me."

"Well, I'm the one being held by dead people. So I think I win."

Alex shuddered against his back. He heard a sharp intake of breath from Luke, his grip becoming suddenly suffocating.  _ "What?" _

Reggie sounded hurt. "You think about us being dead?"

"Well, you went and died on me, what was I supposed to-"

"Nobody died, Bobby!" Alex snapped. It was right in his ear, loud enough to make him flinch. "Nobody died, and it's 1995, and it's never been 2020 or 2001, and you're  _ scaring me, _ so please just tell me what the fuck is going on!"

Bobby squeezed his eyes shut tightly for a moment. He wasn't going to cry. He was  _ not  _ going to cry.

He was crying.

"I wanna wake up," he whispered, not caring that he sounded pathetic. "Please let me wake up."

Luke sniffed quietly. "You're already awake." He sounded scared. They all sounded scared. Bobby felt scared too. He didn't know how to deal with this.

He opened his eyes slowly, swallowing through a dry throat. He couldn't see Alex's expression, but considering how much it stung to see Reggie and Luke, that was probably a good thing. This was… this was bad. He was going to wake up any minute now, right? Surely his brain wouldn't drag this out much longer.

Except it didn't feel like a dream. It just felt like he was a dumb teenager, crumpled up crying in his friends' arms.

"I'm awake?"

Alex sighed with something like relief.  _ "Yeah.  _ Yeah, Bobby, you're awake." His arms tightened. "We've got you."

"I'm awake," he repeated. "Huh." The sunlight was filtering into his eyes. It kind of hurt. The pain felt like a jolt, firing up his brain. He  _ felt  _ awake. "Well. This is weird."

Reggie licked his lips nervously. "Yeah, maybe a bit." He shifted closer, pulling Luke with him, until he could comfortably tug Bobby halfway into his arms. "Let's just… let's just sit here for a bit, okay? Just breathe."

Bobby reached out, his palm pressing flat against Reggie's chest. "You're breathing," he said, awe slipping into his voice.

Reggie looked so  _ sad, _ though. "Yeah. I'm breathing. I'm breathing with you. Just… just breathe with me." Bobby obeyed, staring at each of them in turn, trying his best to breathe steadily along with Reggie. Alex's grip was tight. Steadying. He had never been held like this by them. He'd never let himself. He was bad at being cared for. This, though- this feels like coming home. It was something about being the center of their world, just for a minute. He felt grounded.

"Don't ever make me live without you again," he felt compelled to say. Alex's arms tightened. Luke reached over to grip his shoulder. "Please. I don't want to live without you. I  _ won't  _ live without you. If- if I lose you again I'll-"

"Don't finish that," Alex interrupted sharply. "Don't even think about it. You're not-" he breathed out shakily. "You're not going to have to live without us. You're our best friend. You know that, right?"

Bobby didn't answer. He just clung to them and breathed. And they breathed with him. And maybe miracles existed after all. And maybe, he thought, laughing silently, maybe it was everything else that was the dream before. Maybe he doesn't have to wake up this time.

**Author's Note:**

> okay (: cool (: that's was that lemme know what you think!!! if u wanna chat abt this show or this au, im on tumblr @bobbywilsonsupremacy and i need friends frfr


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